March Madness just ended with Purdue losing big to formidable Connecticut in the championship game. You know how they make up hats and T-shirts before a big game, one with Purdue as the winner and the other Connecticut? Then they ship the losing tee shirts to third world countries. This year Biden told them just to leave the shirts at the border and the “newcomers” will pick them up on the way into our country.
Tiger Woods is fighting pain to play in the Masters this year. His is a cautionary tale of fame, mistakes, and redemption. I am pulling for him.
A winner of five green jackets, Woods’ most recent win at Augusta National came in an extraordinary performance at the age of 43 in 2019. He is ticking 50 now, battling injuries and personal foibles.
It was a tough decade for Tiger. His wife, Elin, caught him when he fell asleep and she saw his text messages. She chased Tiger out of the driveway with a 9-iron (she felt an 8-iron was too much club). Tiger hit a tree running from her in his car, and eight more bimbos fell out. His life spiraled downward.
Elin filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable waitresses.
Then they settled, as all divorces do once the lawyers figured they had billed all they can bill. Tiger was divorced with a rare non-disclosure agreement that worked. The couple seem to get along well now, both attending son Charlie’s award ceremony recently for winning a high school golf championship.
It is fun to see their son Charlie do so well in golf, and genetics play out. Imagine how well Charlie could do in golf and commercials if he became a Woods who understands how to erase text messages.
After the divorce, Tiger hurt his back (I think by picking up too many waitresses). He went to sex rehab, drug rehab and drunk camp. He actually went to four sex rehab programs, but he made sure they didn’t find out about each other.
He has been in and out of Betty Ford more than Gerald Ford had. He’s been to sex rehab so many times the cafeteria named a sandwich after him.
When Tiger staged his first comeback, he played terribly. He seemed unable to drive a golf ball or a car. Adolf Hitler spent less time in a bunker in 1945 than Tiger did in 2017. And Tiger kept wrecking cars.
The difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 295 yards without hitting a tree.
He got pulled over for DUI while he was on pain meds. The charge was dismissed because he said he was just swerving to miss a tree. It turned out the “tree” was the air freshener hanging on his rear-view mirror, but it held up in Florida.
It was not Tiger’s fault, wrecking all those cars. It just serves to remind us of something we often forget: He is half Asian.
More recently, Tiger got shaken down again by a hostess he was dating. He locked her out of his house, and she made trouble. There is another lesson Tiger could pass on to his son. It often takes more than a 60-degree sand wedge to get rich and famous men out of some traps.
To his credit, Tiger handled his problems with class. He didn’t go crying to Oprah or Dr. Phil. He never dated a Kardashian. He admitted his mistakes and seemed sincere. There are no winners when our sports heroes whimper and blame on TV like Prince Harry and Megan.
Trump became friends with Tiger in Florida. And when it was hot, he advised Tiger to take the $850 million for the LIV Tour, as he advised all the other golfers. Trump was right. And as we know with Trump, he usually ends up being right about things, which gets him impeached or indicted.
As an aside, Trump nuanced his abortion stance, moving it more toward the center. He will not sign a federal bill that bans abortions. Like Tiger, if he’s presented with an abortion bill, from what I know about Trump, before he’d pay it he’d demand a paternity test.
Tiger playing in the Masters is good for golf and for America. He just needs to get someone else to drive for him.
