By Dr. Lindsey Balderaz
Guilt comes in many forms and for various reasons, but when it comes to parenting, it is one of the most challenging byproducts of making tough parental decisions. The definition of guilt varies but is generally thought of as the unpleasant feelings of self-criticism and disesteem that results from acts, impulses, or thoughts.
It is quite common for parents to feel a sense of guilt when they deliver a decision to their child that is not well received. When a child reacts poorly to a parental decision, it may make the parent want to recount their decision in favor of an easier response from the child.
However, making parental decisions based on guilt will most assuredly not get you the outcomes you are hoping for. When a decision is made from guilt, you shift your attention away from what is best for your child, your ultimate vision, and goals you have set as a parent and turn your attention towards your own discomfort and possible feelings of inadequacy. In a sense, the shift in attention can be categorized as selfish because it is no longer about what is best for the child, instead it is about deciding to ease your own discomfort.
To avoid falling into this trap, write down the reasons your decision is aligned to desired outcomes, vision, and goals you have for your child.
An example in practice:
Your child wants to eat all of their Christmas candy in one day. You know it is not healthy for them. When you deliver the “no,” they become upset and start crying. You do not like to see your child cry. You feel a sense of guilt that they are crying because of your answer.
In this moment, take a deep breath. Notice how you are feeling. Think about or write down the reasons why you made the decision in the first place. “Eating candy is not healthy. I am doing what is best for my child by saying no. I am not a bad parent for saying no, I am making a decision that is best for them in the long run.”
Your child’s cries or protests will quickly fade once they realize it has no power to make your change your mind. You can rest easy knowing you made the right decision for your child’s long-term well-being.
Make it a habit to take your time when making tough decisions. If you anticipate your child will be unhappy with your decision, prepare your thoughts ahead of time for why this is in the best interest of the child.
If, when you pause to think about your reasoning, you realize that the decision actually was not in the best interest of your child, make a change. Explain the reason for the change and don’t be afraid to apologize! Apologizing to your child will build trust.
More on the power of apologies in a future article.
