If you’ve ever done a home pregnancy test, you know what it’s like to look for a line that’s not there.
My problem with my first three home COVID-19 tests was just the opposite: I was looking at a line, it was my favorite color, and I felt absolutely fine, or as fine as I ever felt.
Which, as it turned out, was right. I took four home COVID-19 tests.
I was very careful.
I followed all the directions, did everything the way I was supposed to, even had my buddy Siri doing the timing.
Just one problem. Actually, three.
Three of the four tests were wrong.
Before I go any further, the spoiler: The one in the black box, from Abbott, was right.
I am very careful. One member of my household (my nanny of 34 years and yes, I know, my children are now young adults) is in chemo, which, frankly, is why. For myself, even though I’m old enough to be vulnerable, I’m stupid/tough enough not to be scared.
But there are necessities. My hairdresser teaches internationally for L’Oreal. I bought L’Oreal — the DIY version — on Amazon for most of the pandemic and it was not the same. Not even close. So I may have delayed my mammogram, and I still haven’t gone back to the gym, but when my hairdresser reopened I was happy to welcome her back.
For my birthday, I stuck with necessities: the dentist and the hairdresser. Not necessarily in that order. I got to the hairdresser first, unfortunately for the dentist who I hope was at least smarter about testing than I was.
By this point, it’s hard to find anyone who hasn’t gotten one of these calls. “Contact tracing” is what it’s called, formally. These days, it comes right after “hello.” Sometimes, people call you just to say that they got a call themselves. Those calls usually begin with a disclaimer, like, “It’s probably nothing but …” If your kids are still in school, you probably can recite the letter, “a student in your child’s class … Be on guard,” they say, which I used to think meant something.
The calls you pay attention to are the ones that begin with the test results. As in, I did your hair yesterday, and today I tested positive … As in, it might actually be something. As in, have they sold out of all the home tests yet?
My son reminded me that at one point, the Biden administration was saying that home tests — paid for by insurance — would light the way through whatever tunnel Omicron can create. If that’s the best they can do, it will be the blind leading the blind. Literally.
The tests come packaged two to a box. They say it’s to allow serial testing. I don’t believe it for a minute. If you ask me, it’s so that when the first test comes out “what, are you kidding?” you can then spend the next half-hour doing another one, even more carefully than the first. I got out my magnifying glass, not because the line was so faint and blurry but because it wasn’t. I started to feel sick; maybe I was more tired than usual. No temperature yet. I told a bunch of colleagues I had COVID-19. I contemplated bed.
By that point, at least one of the people I’d called had warned me not to trust the tests. So I did the logical thing: sent my goddaughter out, who bought two more, this time taking the pharmacy tech’s advice and getting the last one in the black box and the last one in the white box.
When the one in the black box came out negative, I gave up in bed in favor of “covid test near me.” Two pop ups had popped up. I went to the one that took over Lululemon’s old space. Sameday Health came through. Double negatives —- both tests.
But just for fun, I did the last one in the second white box. Positive again. No light at the end of that tunnel. Stay safe and healthy, if you can.
