By Brian Wingfield, LMFT
One of the things that has been getting a lot of attention lately on social media has been the different attachment styles that people have in their personal relationships. This is based on attachment theory developed by John Bowlby. As originally proposed by Bowlby, attachment theory suggests infants need to form a close relationship with at least one primary caregiver and the theory goes on to describe the level of attachments infants form. The theory was later expanded to include adult relationships and specifically attachment in adult romantic relationships. This newer understanding is that the attachments people have as infants create a basic template for how people build and interpret relationships as an adult. The theory continues to evolve and expand as much research is conducted.
There are four attachment styles for adults: secure; anxious; avoidant; and fearful. People with secure attachment generally have good self-esteem, can identify and regulate their emotions, share their feelings with others, and both desire and seek out social support. People with anxious attachment often need consistent reassurance, often preoccupied with thoughts about their relationship, deeply fear abandonment, can become more clinging, and feel the need to soothe their anxiety about their relationship. People with avoidant attachment often need a long time to trust someone, shut down during conflict, do not want to depend upon others, and struggle to seek out social support when they need help. People with fearful attachment often have a combination of anxious and avoidant styles. These people can often view their partner and their relationship as the source of both desire and fear, be self-critical, suddenly withdraw if a relationship gets too close, and respond poorly to someone else’s negative emotions.
Social media often talks about attachment styles, but this is often done in a way that can make some people feel as if their specific attachment style is etched in stone and it is a burden that they will have to carry with them for the rest of their lives. One important note about adult attachment styles is that people can learn to adjust and change their styles. Also, major life events and different partners can cause changes as well. Therefore, someone with an insecure style can get involved in a healthy long-term relationship and over time develop a secure attachment. On the other hand, someone can go through a traumatic event or be in an unhealthy relationship that makes them feel less secure.
A good way of conceptualizing adult attachment styles is that they are not necessarily fixed and can vary over time and are probably best thought of as being on a continuum where people can have various degrees of anxiety and avoidance. Another important thing to know is that a lot of people do not fully identify and completely fit into the secure attachment category. The key is learning to recognize negative traits and be active in attempting to address those issues.
If you discover that this is not an issue you can deal with effectively on your own, please contact Samaritan Counseling at 432-563-4144 for further assistance.
