By Dr. Lindsey Balderaz
Most parents are familiar with toddlers tantrums. We expect this type of behavior and recognize that these little humans don’t have full control of their emotions or the ability to communicate how they are feeling. However, when teens have “tantrums” or act in ways out of the norm, parents may feel anger, confusion, or frustration. The truth is, though their bodies have grown and they understand much more about how the world works, most teens have not mastered the ability to communicate their feelings and regulate their emotions.
With their ever changing hormones creating surges of testosterone and estrogen, teens are often left feeling completely out of control of their own thoughts and emotions. Because they have a lack of understanding about what is happening inside their brains and bodies, they shy away from opening up to adults about the underlying issues they are wrestling with. At times they may feel shameful or confused about these feelings.
These challenges can lead to teens shutting down or acting out. When you notice these behaviors the most important thing to do first is to get curious. Rather than responding with your own frustration, fear, or anger about their behavior, take some time, days or weeks if needed, to observe. Try to evaluate all the external factors that might be at play. Notice how these behaviors shift across periods of time and are impacted by various people or events.
Once you feel that you have some information about the variables at play, sit down with your teen for a consultation to learn more from the teen about their own perspective. The goal is not to accuse, blame, or reprimand. The goal is to get as much information as possible through empathetic listening, to help guide the teen through their current challenges. Help them understand the situation from a broader perspective so that they can begin regulating their own behavior and making decisions that will be more beneficial for them. Using phrases such as “I’ve noticed,” “Help me understand,” and “I’d like to help you see it from all angles,” open the door for a dialogue to build trust and provide guidance.
As a parent this can be challenging. If we feel disrespected by our teen it may trigger our internal alarm telling us we need to get control. But teens are developmentally programmed to seek their independence as they form their own identities, strengthen their personal opinions, and are given responsibility to make decisions on their own. Attempts at control only exacerbate the problem by creating more division and less trust, reducing our opportunity to guide and mentor. If our ultimate goal is for our teens to grow into fully independent adults, our approach must match this desire.
This is why consultations or “team meetings” should be aimed at helping them process their experiences with more understanding and personal control so that they can make healthy and wise choices that benefit themselves and others around them.
